急求暴笑的英语笑话! 英语笑话大全 爆笑带翻译大约20个字母

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\u3000\u3000First Flight


\u3000\u3000Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.

\u3000\u3000His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.

\u3000\u3000After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?"

\u3000\u3000"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."

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\u3000\u3000A Nail Or A Fly?


\u3000\u3000An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.

\u3000\u3000So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.

\u3000\u3000Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!

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\u3000\u3000Chaude and Cold


\u3000\u3000A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."

\u3000\u3000"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

\u3000\u3000"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."

\u3000\u3000"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

\u3000\u3000\u70ed\u4e0e\u51b7


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\u3000\u3000\u201c\u53ef\u662f\uff0c\u5148\u751f\uff0cC\u4ee3\u8868Chaude\uff0d\u6cd5\u8bed\u91cc\u4ee3\u8868\u2018\u70ed\u2019\u3002\u5982\u679c\u60a8\u5c45\u4f4f\u5728\u8499\u7279\u5229\u5c14\u7684\u8bdd\u5c31\u5f97\u77e5\u9053\u8fd9\u4e00\u70b9\u3002\u201d

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\u3000\u3000Imitate Birds


\u3000\u3000A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the producer.

\u3000\u3000"Imitate birds," the man said.

\u3000\u3000"Are you kidding?" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen."

\u3000\u3000"Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.

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\u3000\u3000How Did You Ever Get Here


\u3000\u3000One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

\u3000\u3000The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

\u3000\u3000"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

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\u3000\u3000Keep the Change


\u3000\u3000Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.

\u3000\u3000I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.

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\u3000\u3000Midway Tactics


\u3000\u3000Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

\u3000\u3000The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"

\u3000\u3000The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"

\u3000\u3000The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".

\u3000\u3000\u4e2d\u95f4\u6218\u672f


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\u3000\u3000Best Reward


\u3000\u3000A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.

\u3000\u3000"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in."

\u3000\u3000\u6700\u597d\u7684\u5956\u8d4f


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\u3000\u3000A Mistake


\u3000\u3000An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peterexplained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."

\u3000\u3000"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.

\u3000\u3000"Where are the others?" asked a medic.

\u3000\u3000"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."

\u3000\u3000\u641e\u9519\u4e86


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\u3000\u3000\u201c\u6210\u4ea4!\u201d\u7f8e\u56fd\u4eba\u8bf4\u3002\u7acb\u523b\uff0c\u4ed6\u53d1\u73b0\u81ea\u5df1\u6beb\u4e0d\u635f\u4f24\u5730\u7ad9\u5728\u73b0\u573a\u9644\u8fd1\u3002

\u3000\u3000\u201c\u5176\u4ed6\u4eba\u5728\u54ea\u513f\uff1f\u201d\u4e00\u540d\u533b\u751f\u95ee\u9053\u3002

\u3000\u3000\u201c\u6211\u79bb\u5f00\u4e4b\u524d\uff0c\u201d\u90a3\u540d\u7f8e\u56fd\u4eba\u8bf4\uff0c\u201c\u6211\u770b\u89c1\u82f1\u683c\u5170\u4eba\u6b63\u5728\u780d\u4ef7\uff0c\u800c\u90a3\u540d\u52a0\u62ff\u5927\u4eba\u6b63\u5728\u5206\u8fa9\u8bf4\u5e94\u8be5\u7531\u4ed6\u7684\u653f\u5e9c\u6765\u51fa\u8fd9\u7b14\u94b1\u3002\u201d

\u3000\u3000Imitation


\u3000\u3000A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."

\u3000\u3000Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.

\u3000\u3000"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."

\u3000\u3000\u6a21 \u4eff


\u3000\u3000\u4e00\u4e2a\u7537\u5b69\u653e\u5b66\u56de\u5bb6\u65f6\uff0c\u89c9\u5f97\u809a\u5b50\u75db\u3002\u201c\u6765\uff0c\u5750\u4e0b\uff0c\u5403\u70b9\u70b9\u5fc3\uff0c\u201d\u5988\u5988\u8bf4\uff0c\u201c\u4f60\u809a\u5b50\u75db\u662f\u56e0\u4e3a\u809a\u5b50\u662f\u7a7a\u7684\u3002\u5403\u70b9\u4e1c\u897f\u5c31\u4f1a\u597d\u7684\u3002\u201d

\u3000\u3000\u4e00\u4f1a\u513f\uff0c\u7537\u5b69\u7684\u7238\u7238\u4e0b\u73ed\u56de\u5bb6\u4e86\uff0c\u8bf4\u662f\u5934\u75db\u3002

\u3000\u3000\u201c\u4f60\u5934\u75db\u662f\u56e0\u4e3a\u4f60\u7684\u8111\u888b\u662f\u7a7a\u7684\uff0c\u201d\u4ed6\u90a3\u806a\u660e\u7684\u513f\u5b50\u8bf4\uff0c\u201c\u91cc\u9762\u88c5\u70b9\u4e1c\u897f\uff0c\u5c31\u4f1a\u597d\u7684\u3002\u201d

\u3000\u3000Bedtime Prayers


\u3000\u3000Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."

\u3000\u3000Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"

\u3000\u3000And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"

\u3000\u3000\u7761\u524d\u7977\u544a\u8bcd


\u3000\u3000\u6731\u8389\u53f6\u5728\u505a\u7761\u524d\u7977\u544a\u3002\u201c\u4e0a\u5e1d\uff0c\u6c42\u6c42\u4f60\uff0c\u201d\u5979\u8bf4\uff0c\u201c\u8ba9\u90a3\u4e0d\u52d2\u65af\u6210\u4e3a\u610f\u5927\u5229\u7684\u9996\u90fd\u5427\u3002\u201d

\u3000\u3000\u5988\u5988\u6253\u65ad\u5979\u7684\u8bdd\u8bf4\uff1a\u201c\u6731\u8389\u53f6\uff0c\u4e3a\u4ec0\u4e48\u6c42\u4e0a\u5e1d\u8ba9\u90a3\u4e0d\u52d2\u65af\u6210\u4e3a\u610f\u5927\u5229\u7684\u9996\u90fd\u5462\uff1f\u201d

\u3000\u3000\u6731\u8389\u53f6\u56de\u7b54\u9053\uff1a\u201c\u56e0\u4e3a\u6211\u5728\u5730\u7406\u8003\u5377\u4e0a\u662f\u8fd9\u6837\u5199\u7684\u3002\u201d

\u3000\u3000A Fine Match


\u3000\u3000One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."

\u3000\u3000The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.

\u3000\u3000Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

\u3000\u3000\u52bf\u5747\u529b\u654c


\u3000\u3000\u6709\u4e00\u5929\u67d0\u4f4d\u5973\u58eb\u770b\u5230\u4e00\u53ea\u8001\u9f20\u5728\u81ea\u5bb6\u7684\u53a8\u623f\u5730\u677f\u4e0a\u7a9c\u8fc7\u3002\u5979\u5f88\u5bb3\u6015\u8001\u9f20\uff0c\u6240\u4ee5\u5979\u51b2\u51fa\u5c4b\u5b50\uff0c\u642d\u4e0a\u4e86\u516c\u5171\u6c7d\u8f66\u76f4\u5954\u5546\u5e97\u3002\u5728\u90a3\u513f\uff0c\u5979\u4e70\u4e86\u4e00\u53ea\u8001\u9f20\u5939\u3002\u5e97\u4e3b\u544a\u8bc9\u5979\uff1a\u201c\u653e\u70b9\u5976\u916a\u5728\u91cc\u9762\uff0c\u5f88\u5feb\u4f60\u5c31\u4f1a\u902e\u4f4f\u90a3\u53ea\u8001\u9f20\u7684\u3002\u201d

\u3000\u3000\u8fd9\u4f4d\u5973\u58eb\u5e26\u7740\u9f20\u5939\u56de\u5230\u5bb6\u91cc\uff0c\u4f46\u5979\u6ca1\u6709\u5728\u7897\u6a71\u91cc\u627e\u5230\u5976\u916a\u3002\u5979\u4e0d\u60f3\u518d\u56de\u5230\u5546\u5e97\u91cc\u53bb\uff0c\u56e0\u4e3a\u5df2\u7ecf\u5f88\u665a\u4e86\u3002\u4e8e\u662f\uff0c\u5979\u5c31\u4ece\u4e00\u4efd\u6742\u5fd7\u4e2d\u526a\u4e0b\u4e00\u5e45\u5976\u916a\u7684\u56fe\u7247\u653e\u8fdb\u4e86\u5939\u5b50\u3002

\u3000\u3000\u4ee4\u4eba\u79f0\u5947\u7684\u662f\uff0c\u8fd9\u753b\u6709\u5976\u916a\u7684\u56fe\u7247\u7adf\u7136\u594f\u6548\u4e86!\u7b2c\u4e8c\u5929\u65e9\u4e0a\uff0c\u8fd9\u4f4d\u5973\u58eb\u4e0b\u697c\u5230\u53a8\u623f\u65f6\uff0c\u53d1\u73b0\u9f20\u5939\u91cc\u5976\u916a\u56fe\u7247\u65c1\u6709\u4e00\u5f20\u753b\u6709\u8001\u9f20\u7684\u56fe\u7247!

\u3000\u3000Class and Ass


\u3000\u3000Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."

\u3000\u3000A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".

\u3000\u3000Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".

\u3000\u3000\u73ed\u548c\u7b28\u9a74


\u3000\u3000\u683c\u62c9\u65af\u54e5\u7684\u52b3\u91cc\u6559\u6388\u5728\u95e8\u4e0a\u8d34\u4e86\u8fd9\u6837\u4e00\u4e2a\u901a\u77e5\uff1a\u201c\u52b3\u91cc\u6559\u6388\u4eca\u5929\u4e0d\u89c1\u4ed6\u7684\u73ed\u7ea7\u3002\u201d

\u3000\u3000\u4e00\u4e2a\u5b66\u751f\u8bfb\u4e86\u901a\u77e5\u540e\uff0c\u64e6\u6389\u4e86\u5b57\u6bcd\u201cc\u201d(lass\uff1a\u59d1\u5a18)\u3002

\u3000\u3000\u540e\u6765\u52b3\u91cc\u6559\u6388\u6765\u4e86\uff0c\u4e5f\u60f3\u5f00\u5f00\u73a9\u7b11\uff0c\u4ed6\u64e6\u6389\u4e86\u5b57\u6bcd\u201cl\u201d(ass\uff1a\u7b28\u9a74)\u3002

Q: What's the difference between a monk ey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea ca n't have monkeys.

\u7334\u5b50\u4f1a\u548c\u8df3\u86a4\u6709\u4ec0\u4e48\u4e0d\u540c\u5462\uff1f\u4f60\u53ef\u80fd\u4f1a\u76f4 \u63a5\u7684\u60f3\u5230\u5b83\u4eec\u4fe9\u662f\u4e00\u5927\u4e00\u5c0f\u3002\u4f46\u9664\u6b64\u4e4b\u5916\u5462\uff0c \u90a3\u5c31\u662f\u7334\u5b50\u8eab\u4e0a\u53ef\u4ee5\u957f\u8df3\u86a4\uff0c\u800c\u8df3\u86a4\u8eab\u4e0a\u5374\u4e0d \u80fd\u6709\u7334\u5b50

Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".

Let me take it down

An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."

为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说:“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”

“请再说一遍,让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。

there are 3 old friend gathering around together
first said:"windy , isn't it ?"
second one replied:"no , it's thursday."
third said:"yeah! me too , let go and have some tea"

第一个说windy,但第二个听成了wednesday,所以他说了今天是thursday,第三个却把thursday听成了thirsty,所以他说yeah! me too , let go and have some tea

这个笑话挺好笑的.生字应该不多.你自己也学查查字典.(我说个大意噢:一位伊利若州男子离开 冰天雪地的芝加哥到佛罗
里达州度假.他的妻子正在外地公干,准备到时候在佛州会合.该男子到了佛州,驻进酒店,就急忙给他妻子发电子邮件.但是他将太太的网址打错一个字母,结果这封邮件发到了一位牧师太太手里,她的丈夫前一天刚过世,她为此在伤心欲绝.当她打开这封错发来的邮件时,惨叫一声,两腿一蹬,死了.

邮件是这样写的:
亲爱的,
我刚来报到.正准备迎接你明天的到来.
爱你的夫君
对了,这下面真的好热唉.(Illinois是美国东部一个州.冬天很冷.Florida在美国南部,一年气候都比较热. )

A BIG E-mail Mistake 一封致命的邮件

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

双关语:1热:佛州天气,2.炼狱
down :1.佛州(美国南方,在地图下方)
2.地狱

1.Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

2.A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up--sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The man answers, "In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot that mean ass dog!"

3.A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"
The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife."

Nurses: Hey, you're a professor? » Tell you a piece of good news - you do Daddy! In earlier

Professor: Oh, please do not tell my wife, I let her surprise!
翻译:护士:喂,您是教授吗?告诉您一个好消息--您做爸爸了!就在刚才

教授:哦,请你不要告诉我妻子,我要让她大吃一惊!

I was out of town and my wife,a high-schoolteacher,had to contend with a balky furnace.Fortunately,a 24-hour repairman arrived that evening and worked until the early moening hours.
The next day my tired wife was late for school.She hastily scrawled an explanation for the vice principal and rushed to her classroom,laughing,and asked if she would like to reword her note.My wife had written:“Husband outof town.Nohear.Up all night with repairman.Totally exhausted.”

我不在家,所以我的当中学教师的老婆就得去对付那个毛病百出的锅炉。还好,那天她找到了随叫随到的修理工,我从那天晚上一直修到次日凌晨。
第二天,我的疲惫不堪的老婆上班迟到了,她匆匆地给校长写了一个纸条做解释,就慌忙地跑去班里去上课,五分钟后,副校长急匆匆地来到了她的班上,大笑不止,然后问她是否能把这个条子的文字重新推敲一下。原来,我老婆的条子是这样写的:“丈夫不在家,没暖气。我陪修理工在楼上呆了一夜,闹得精疲力尽。”

爸告诉我:女人喜欢有钱的男人;妈告诉我:女人喜欢有貌的男人。我翻翻钱包,又照照镜子,然后我哭

Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".
The mean man's party

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?吝啬鬼请客

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说:“你上到五楼,找中间那个门,然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后,再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪,你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答。

I think that I'm a chicken

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

精神病医师:你哪里不舒服?

病人:我认为我是一只鸡。

精神病医师:这种情况从什么时候开始的?

病人:从我还是一只蛋的时候开始。

Who Is the Laziest?

Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?

Tom: I don't know, father.

Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?

Tom: Our teacher, father.

中文:

父亲:哎,汤姆,今天我跟你们老师谈过,现在我想问你个问题。你们班上谁最懒?
汤姆:我不知道,爸爸。
父亲:啊,不对,你知道!想想看,当别的孩子们都在做作业、写字时,谁在课堂上坐着,只是看人家做功课?
汤姆:我们老师,爸爸。

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

译文:

老农约翰逊就要死了。他的家人都站在床边。他声音低沉地对妻子说:“我死后,我想你嫁给农夫琼斯。”

妻子说:“不,在你死后,我不能嫁给任何人。”

约翰逊:“但我希望你这么做。”

妻子:“为什么?”

约翰逊:“因为琼斯曾在一笔贩马的交易中欺骗了我。”

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