英语笑话及中文翻译 简单的英语小笑话(带翻译）
\u82f1\u8bed\u7b11\u8bdd\u5e26\u7ffb\u8bd1I Wasn't Asleep
When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.
"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."
"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."
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The poor husband
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
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Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
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Does the dog know the proverb, too?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
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\u4e00 Can we have our teacher back\uff1f
Once a superintendent of schools was visiting a three-room school. One room was very noisy, so the man grabbed a tall boy who had been standing up talking. He took the boy into another room and stood him in the corner. Five minutes later, a smalll boy came out of the first room and said, "When can we have our teacher back?"
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\u4e8c Who's More Polite?
A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.
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\u4e09 Expensive Price
Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth.
Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.
Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.
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1\u3001Boy: Is this seat empty? Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down. \u7537\u5b69\uff1a\u8fd9\u4e2a\u5ea7\u4f4d\u662f\u7a7a\u7684\u4e48\uff1f \u5973\u5b69\uff1a\u662f\u7684\uff0c\u5982\u679c\u4f60\u5750\u4e0b\uff0c\u6211\u7684\u5ea7\u4f4d\u4e5f\u5c06\u662f\u7a7a\u7684\u3002
2\u3001Boy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money. \u7537\u5b69\uff1a\u6211\u53ef\u4ee5\u7ed9\u4f60\u4e70\u676f\u996e\u6599\u5417\uff1f \u5973\u5b69\uff1a\u4f60\u4e0d\u5982\u76f4\u63a5\u628a\u94b1\u7ed9\u6211\u5f97\u4e86\u3002
3\u3001My little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
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4\u3001My Wife Will Exchange Them\u3002A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves. \u2033Cloth or leather\ufe56\u2033 asked the salesperson. \u2033Makes no difference \u2033replied customer. \u2033What color\ufe56\u2033 asked the clerk. \u2033Any\u2033 he responded.
\u2033Size\ufe56\u2033 \u2033Give me whatever you prefer\u2033 the gentleman said slightly exasperated. \u2033My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.\u2033
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5\u3001A physics Examination\uff0cOnce in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard. The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunder rolls?
Nick\u2018s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
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6\u3001Jim\u2019s History Examination\u3002Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. They asked him things that happened before the poor boy was born.
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7\u3001he is really somebody\u3002-- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do?-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
\u4ed6\u771f\u662f\u4e00\u4e2a\u5927\u4eba\u7269\u3002-- \u6211\u53d4\u53d4\u4e0b\u9762\u67091000\u4e2a\u4eba\u3002-- \u4ed6\u771f\u662f\u4e00\u4e2a\u5927\u4eba\u7269\u3002\u5e72\u4ec0\u4e48\u7684\uff1f-- \u5893\u5730\u5b88\u5893\u4eba\u3002
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\u53c2\u8003\u8d44\u6599\uff1a\u767e\u5ea6\u767e\u79d1\uff1a\u7b11\u8bdd
Who was the first man？
George Washington，a little boy shouted promptly．
How do you make out that George Washington was the first man？asked the teacher，smiling indulgently．
Because，said the little boy，he was first in war，first in peace，and first in the hearts of his countrymen．
But at this point a larger boy held up his hand．
Well， said the teacher to him，who do you think was the first man？
I don't know what his name was，said the larger boy，but I know it wasn't George Washington，ma’am，because the history book says George Washington married a widow，so，of course，there must have been a man ahead of him．
有个老师问班上的学生：
谁是第一个男人？
乔治·华盛顿，一个小男孩当即叫道。
你怎么知道乔治·华盛顿是第一个男人呢？老师问道，宽容地微笑着。
小男孩说：因为他是战时第一，和时第一，国人心中第一。
这时一个大点儿的男孩举起手来。
那么，老师对他说，你认为谁是第一个男人呢？
我不知道他的名字，大点儿的男孩说，但我知道不是乔治·华盛顿，老师。因为历史书上说，乔治·华盛顿娶了一个寡妇，所以在他前面肯定还有一个男人。
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, What do you do with your older goats in America?
A spry old gentleman answered, They send us on bus tours!
一群美国人乘长途汽车在荷兰旅游。他们在一个奶酪场停下来。一位年轻的导游带他们参观了奶酪制作的全过程，解释说用的是羊奶。
她指给这群人一个美丽的山坡，山坡上许多羊在吃草。对这些，她解释说，是放逐草地的老羊，它们已不能再产奶。她然后问道：在美国你们怎样处理老羊呢？
一位活泼的老绅士回答说：他们让我们乘车旅行！
http://news.iciba.com/1626/
这里有很多
O(∩_∩)O
Peter joined the army when he was eighteen, and for several months he was taught how to be a good soldier. He did quite well in everything except shooting. One day he and his friends were practicing their shooting, and all of them were doing quite well except Peter. After he had shot at the target nine times and had not hit it once, the officer who was trying to teach the young soldiers to shoot said, "You're quite hopeless, Peter! Don't waste your last bullet too! Go behind that wall and shoot yourself with it!"
Peter felt ashamed. He went behind the wall, and a few seconds later the officer and the other young soldiers heard the sound of a shot.
"Heavens!" the officer said. "Has that silly man really shot himself?"
He ran behind the wall anxiously, but Peter was all right. "I'm sorry, sir," he said, "but I missed again."
彼得十八岁那年参了军，他需要参加几个月的学习以成为一名好士兵。彼得在其他方面都做得很好，但是射击不行。一天他和伙伴们练习射击，除了彼得其他人都没有问题。他射了九次，一次也没有命中目标。这时，教新兵射击的教官说：“彼得，你看来是没希望了，不要连最后一发子弹都浪费掉！去那堵墙后面用它向自己打一枪吧。”
彼得感到非常惭愧。他走到那堵墙后面。几分钟后，教官和新兵们听到一声枪响。
“上帝！”教官叫起来，“难道那个笨蛋真的朝自己开枪了？”
他急忙跑到那堵墙后面，发现彼得安然无恙。“对不起，长官，”他说，“我还是没有命中。”
First Flight第一次坐飞机
Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.
约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机，他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时，约翰逊先生非常担心，不敢接受。不过，由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的，约翰逊先生终于被说服了，登上了飞机。
His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.
他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落，所以他吓得紧闭双眼。
After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?"
过了一两分钟，他睁开双眼朝窗外望去，接着对朋友说道：“看下面那些人，他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小，是不是？”
"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground." “那些就是蚂蚁，”他的朋友答道，“我们还在地面!"
How Did You Ever Get Here
One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."
The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."
你是怎样来的？
一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。”
老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗？那你是怎样到这里来的？”
“后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。”
林肯过生日 Great Event
Teacher: What great event happened in 1809?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln was born.
Teacher: Correct. And what great event happened in 1812?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln had his third birthday.
老师：1809年发生了什么重大事件？
小威利：亚伯拉罕-林肯诞生。
老师：正确。那么1812年发生了什么重要事件呢？
小威利：亚伯拉罕-林肯过他的三周岁生日。
Imitate Birds
A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the producer.
"Imitate birds," the man said.
"Are you kidding?" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen."
"Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.
模仿鸟儿
一个人想在一个舞台剧中找份工作。“你能干什么呢？”负责人问。
“模仿鸟儿，”那人说。
“你在开玩笑吧？”负责人答道，“那样的人一毛钱可以找一打。”
“噢，那就算了。”那名演员说着，展开翅膀，飞出了窗口。
I Wasn't Asleep
When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.
"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."
"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."
我没有睡着
当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！”
“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。
“没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？”
“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”
我有很多，不过没有悬赏分呢！
绛旓細1銆佸懆鑰屽濮 鑰佺帇鍦ㄦ爲涓嬩紤鎭紝鑰佹潕璧拌繃鏉ュ浠栬锛氣滃棬锛屼负浠涔堜笉鍘讳笂灞辩爫鏌达紵鈥 鑰佺帇璇达細鈥滅爫鏌村共浠涔堬紵鈥 鑰佹潕璇达細鈥滃ソ鍗栭挶鍟娿傚崠鍒伴挶灏卞彲浠ヤ拱椹达紝鍐嶆部瀹舵尐鎴峰崠鏌淬傛專浜嗛挶灏卞啀 涔板崱杞︼紝鐒跺悗涔版湪鍘傚崠鏈 鍣紝鍐嶄拱鏇村鐨勫崱杞︼紝閭ｆ牱灏卞彲浠ュ彂澶ц储浜嗐傗 鑰佺帇闂細鈥滃彂浜嗚储骞蹭粈涔堬紵鈥 鑰佹潕绛旓細鈥...
绛旓細绗戣瘽鍙互璁╂垜浠鐢熸椿姘歌繙鍏呮弧鐑儏銆傜敓娲讳腑鐑﹀績鐨勭悙浜嬫绘槸鏈夌殑锛岀湅鐪嬬瑧璇濓紝寮蹇冧竴绗戯紝鐑﹀績浜嬪氨浼氭簻璧颁簡銆傛垜鏁寸悊浜嗘湁瓒ｇ殑鑻辫绗戣瘽甯缈昏瘧锛屾杩庨槄璇!鏈夎叮鐨勮嫳璇瑧璇濆甫缈昏瘧锛歁ay We Have Our Teacher Back?鑳借鎴戜滑鑰佸笀鍥炲幓鍚?While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education ...
绛旓細绠鍗曠殑鑻辫绗戣瘽甯缈昏瘧锛1銆乄hat dog can jump higher than a building锛熶粈涔堢嫍姣斿ぇ妤艰烦鐨勮繕楂橈紵Anydog锛宐uildings can't jump锛佷换浣曚竴鍙嫍锛屽ぇ妤煎張璺充笉璧锋潵銆3銆乄hat has a head锛宎 tail锛宎nd no body锛熶粈涔堟湁澶淬佹湁灏撅紝浣嗘槸娌℃湁韬綋锛烝 coin锛佺‖甯併4銆乄hat has one eye but cannot see锛
绛旓細绠鐭鑻辫灏绗戣瘽甯缈昏瘧绡1锛氳储鏀垮鐨勪竴璇 鍙插瘑鏂槸涓瀹跺缓绛戝叕鍙哥殑缁忕悊锛屼粬姝ｅ湪涓轰竴涓柊椤圭洰鎷涙爣銆傜涓浣嶆姇鏍囪呮槸涓瀹舵尝鍏板叕鍙革紝浠栦滑鐨勪唬琛ㄦ姤浠40涓囪嫳闀戞帴杩欎釜椤圭洰銆傗滆繖浼间箮寰堝悎鐞嗭紝鈥濆彶瀵嗘柉璇淬傗滀綘鑳界粰鎴戜竴寮犳槑缁嗚〃鍚楋紵鈥濃滃綋鐒跺彲浠ワ紝鈥濇尝鍏颁唬琛ㄨ锛屸20涓囪嫳闀戠敤浜庡姵鍔ㄥ姏锛20涓囪嫳闀戠敤浜庢潗鏂欍傗濇帴...
绛旓細杩戝勾鏉,鍐风瑧璇濅綔涓轰竴绉嶆柊鍏寸殑璇█鐜拌薄鍦ㄧ綉缁溿佹潅蹇椾笂鍗佸垎鐩涜銆傛垜绮惧績鏀堕泦浜鑻辫绗戣瘽甯涓枃缈昏瘧锛屼緵澶у娆ｈ祻瀛︿範!鑻辫绗戣瘽甯︿腑鏂囩炕璇戯細Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions...
绛旓細鑻辫绗戣瘽锛堜竴锛塓: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.鐚村瓙浼氬拰璺宠殼鏈変粈涔堜笉鍚屽憿?浣犲彲鑳戒細鐩存帴鐨勬兂鍒板畠浠咯鏄竴澶т竴灏.浣嗛櫎姝や箣澶栧憿,閭ｅ氨鏄尨瀛愯韩涓婂彲浠ラ暱璺宠殼,鑰岃烦铓よ韩涓婂嵈涓嶈兘鏈夌尨瀛.杩欎釜绛旀寰堟湁鎰忔濆惂?Q: ...
绛旓細1.Returning from a golf outing, my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. "Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?""Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win," my husband hedged. "We just play to have fun."Undaunted, Sare ...
绛旓細鑻辫骞介粯绗戣瘽甯缈昏瘧 1:A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to thehospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "Ithink that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead."saidthe doctor,Hearing this, theman moved his head...
绛旓細1銆丅oy: Is this seat empty? Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down. 鐢峰锛氳繖涓骇浣嶆槸绌虹殑涔堬紵 濂冲锛氭槸鐨勶紝濡傛灉浣犲潗涓嬶紝鎴戠殑搴т綅涔熷皢鏄┖鐨勩 &#...
绛旓細鑻辫绗戣瘽灏忕煭鏂囧甫缈昏瘧濡備笅锛1銆丟ood Boy.Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. 鈥淲hat did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?鈥濃淚 gave it to a poor old woman,鈥 he answered.鈥淵ou鈥檙e a good boy,鈥 said the mother proudly. 鈥淗ere are two cents more. But ...
