逐句分析的追加5-10分，求帮修改作文，写错语法错误需要改正的地方，15分满分能打几分？....准备考四级的
\u9010\u53e5\u5206\u6790\u7684\u8ffd\u52a05-10\u5206\uff0c\u6c42\u5e2e\u4fee\u6539\u4f5c\u6587\uff0c\u5199\u9519\u8bed\u6cd5\u9519\u8bef\u9700\u8981\u6539\u6b63\u7684\u5730\u65b9\uff0c15\u5206\u6ee1\u5206\u80fd\u6253\u51e0\u5206\uff1f....\u51c6\u5907\u8003\u56db\u7ea7\u7684in recent years,the safety of food has brought into focus.such as the SANLU milk powder,the crayfish, the dyeing steamed bread and the SHUANGHUI fresh meat. as the unsafe events of food occuring one by one,people are worry\u3010worried\u3011 about the safety of food from now on.
as far as i am concerned,there are many reasons result\u3010resulting\u3011 in the food unsafety.first of all,most of businessman \u3010businessmen\u3011are just concerned about the profit of their productions\u3010products\u3011.in order to gain the higgest\u3010highest\u3011 profit, they add some harmful chemicals into the productions\u3010products\u3011. what is more,they prefer the lowest prise raw materials rather than the highest qualify one.so they can take less money to\u3010and\u3011 make highest profit. finally,withoutf the perfect management of goverment departments , the unsafe events of food can happen usually.
considering these, i think we should take series of measures to stop this kind of event from happening.i put forward the following suggestions.for one thing, our goverment departments should put forward the effective measures to control this kind of event again. for another thing,as businessmen, we\u3010they\u3011 can just think of the profit,we \u3010they\u3011have a responsibility to ensure the satefy of productions
\u5168\u7bc7\u90fd\u6709\u7684\u95ee\u9898\uff1a
\u6bcf\u53e5\u7b2c\u4e00\u4e2a\u5b57\u6bcd\u5927\u5199\uff0c\u5e94\u8be5\u662f\u4f60\u6253\u5b57\u6ca1\u6ce8\u610f\uff1b
in big cities,in small towns,\u6ca1\u6709\u7279\u6307\u54ea\u4e2a\u57ce\u5e02\uff0c\u54ea\u4e2a\u5c0f\u9547\uff0c\u7528\u590d\u6570\uff1b
\u6bd4\u8f83\u7ea7\uff1a** in big cities is/are \u6bd4\u8f83\u7ea7 than that/those in small towns
big city or small town
nowdays, many graduates choose to work in big city .
they may think that it is easier than small town to find a suitable job in big city.
they may think that it is easier to find a suitable job in a big city than a small town .
city\u548ctown\u5982\u679c\u4e0d\u7528\u5355\u6570\uff0c\u8bf7\u5168\u90e8\u7528\u590d\u6570\u3002
there are more working chances in big city and the level of salary is higher than small town.
\u673a\u4f1a\u7528opportunity\uff0c\u4e0d\u7528chance\uff1bthere are more working opportunities in big cities and the salary level in big cities is high than in small towns.
they are eager to learn more knowledge and to earn more money.
however,some graduates prefer to start their work in small town.
in their eyes, (\u5728\u4ed6\u4eec\u773c\u4e2d\uff0c\u53ef\u4ee5\u8bf4in their opinion\uff0c\u8fd9\u4e2a\u7ffb\u8bd1\u592a\u4e2d\u5f0f\u5316\u4e86\uff09the price of commodicies\uff08\u5546\u54c1\uff0c\u7269\u54c1\u7528commodity\uff0c\u4e0d\u77e5\u9053\u662f\u4e0d\u662f\u4f60\u62fc\u9519\u4e86\uff09\uff0c is much lower than big city\uff08than that in big cities). to the person who just graduate from college\uff08\u6b64\u53e5\u7528\u8fc7\u53bb\u5f0f\u6216\u8005\u7528\u73b0\u5728\u5b8c\u6210\u65f6\uff09, it is suiable for them to work.\uff08\u8fd9\u53e5\u8bdd\u6ca1\u8bf4\u5b8c\u554a\uff0cto work in small towns\uff09
peasonally,i will stay at big city\uff08stay in big cities\uff09. after graduation.for one things\uff08\u4e00\u65b9\u9762\uff0cfor one thing\uff0c\u4e0d\u77e5\u9053\u662f\u4e0d\u662f\u6253\u9519\u4e86\uff09,big city can provide more chances for me to work\uff08offers me more working opportunities\uff09,especially the jobs that i like to\uff08\u4e0d\u8981\u7528to\uff0cI like \u6216\u8005\u8bf4I prefer\uff09.for another, there are more knowledge waitting for me to learn.\uff08I\u2019ve got too much to learn\uff0c\u8fd9\u53e5\u8bdd\u592a\u4e2d\u5f0f\u5316\u4e86\uff09 the big city also can provide more chances for me to improve myself.
\u611f\u89c9\u5927\u95ee\u9898\u6ca1\u6709\uff0c\u6bd4\u8f83\u7ea7\u7528\u5f97\u4e0d\u597d\uff0c\u51e0\u4e2a\u53e5\u5b50\u7684\u7ffb\u8bd1\u5b8c\u5168\u662f\u7167\u4e2d\u6587\u610f\u601d\u6765\u7684
\u6253\u4e2a12\u5206\u5427
第二句：介词用错，而且如果用介词with，后面的become应为动名词形式。根据句子意思，become后面应接形容词，而不用副词serious.所以，如果我写的话，我会与第一句组成一个定语从句，这样就不用重复global warming，又显得更加简洁，并且句型也会给考官留个好印象。In recent years,environmental pretection has been brought into focus,especially the problem of the global warming which becomes increasingly serious affects our environment greatly,
such as a number of plant and animal species are disappeared at an increased rate. What is more, fast-melting glaciers caused by global warming has resulted in rising sea levels. Some countries and local people have to shift to the higher place.
其中影响affect单词拼错。
消失disappear单词拼写错误。
many of用法不对，要不用a great many of，要不many后面直接接名词
看了一段，问题挺多的，所以就不一一列举了，遣词造句还有待提高啦，修改的话我尽量照用你的原句了。可以多看看作文范文或例句什么的。不过四级是很简单的，就作文方面，多背范文效果会很好。
in recent years,enviromental issues have been brought into focus,especially the problem of the global warming. 问题和保护不对搭
As the global warming become serious, it affects our environment greatly.
As引导从句 serious形容词
For example,many plants and animals disappeared or the amount of them reduced quickly.
such as表举例不接从句 disappear 不用被动，消失，灭绝 reduced并列句中谓语
what is more,most of the ice floes have been thawed,resulting in the raise of sea-level.
此句比较别扭，但在不改动原文前提下就不改了 floes
local people in some countries have to shift to a higher place.
这个不改原文不行，countriy shift to....不合逻辑啊。。 a higher place
你先看看吧，有时间我再看后面的。。。四级的话应该可以得10分以上吧。。。不清楚了，貌似当时我们考是120分吧？怎么变15分了？当时我也差不多这水平，108分。要有信心，四级很水。。。
补充点技巧：1背几个长句子，放在显眼的地方，你要相信考官不会看每一句话。2.尽量少用同样的句型，特别是简单句少用，类似 I am very happy. 3.逻辑条理清楚 比如说原因，要让考官容易找到1,2,3,4.。。的主题句 你最后一段结构就很好 4.人称代词少出现 5.更高级点是避免用同样的词，比如前一句你用了person,后面用用citizen啊individual什么的。 6.最重要的是避免明显错误，拿不准的不写
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