英语笑话10个，英语故事4个（要翻译 要几个英语小故事，要简短的，小笑话也可以，带翻译。
\u82f1\u8bed\u7684\u5e7d\u9ed8\u6545\u4e8b4~5\u4e2a,\u8981\u6709\u4e2d\u6587\u7ffb\u8bd1(\u5199\u5728\u624b\u6284\u62a5\u4e0a\u7684,\u5e0c\u671b\u7b11\u8bdd\u80fd\u6b63\u7ecf\u70b9.)\u5df2\u89e3\u51b3\u95ee\u9898 \u6536\u85cf \u6c42\u82f1\u8bed\u5e7d\u9ed8\u6545\u4e8b\u3002 10 \u6807\u7b7e\uff1a\u5e7d\u9ed8 \u6545\u4e8b,\u82f1\u8bed,\u5e7d\u9ed8 \u82f1\u8bed\u82f1\u8bed\u3002\u5e7d\u9ed8\u5e7d\u9ed8\u3002\u6545\u4e8b\u6545\u4e8b\u3002
\u7136\u540e\u8981\u6709\u70b9\u96be\u5ea6\u7684\u963f~
\u4e0d\u8981\u592a\u5e38\u89c1\u7684\u6b27~~
\u8fd8\u6709\u8981\u5e26\u7ffb\u8bd1\u3002 . \u56de\u7b54:11 \u4eba\u6c14:11 \u89e3\u51b3\u65f6\u95f4:2009-04-11 13:14 \u68c0\u4e3e I'm Trying to Stop It "Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?" "No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it." \u201c\u5b69\u5b50\uff0c\u4f60\u4e3a\u4ec0\u4e48\u7528\u68c9\u82b1\u585e\u4f4f\u8033\u6735\uff1f\u5b83\u611f\u67d3\u4e86\u5417\uff1f\u201d \u201c\u6ca1\u6709\uff0c\u8001\u5e08\u3002\u53ef\u662f\u4f60\u6628\u5929\u8bf4\u4f60\u544a\u8bc9\u6211\u7684\u77e5\u8bc6\u90fd\u662f\u4e00\u4e2a\u8033\u6735\u91cc\u8fdb\uff0c\u4e00\u4e2a\u8033\u6735\u91cc\u51fa\uff0c\u6240\u4ee5\u6211\u8981\u628a\u5b83\u5835\u5728\u91cc\u9762\u3002\u201d \u201cI'm sorry \uff0cMadam \uff0cbut I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .\u201d \u201cTwenty d ollars! Why \uff0cI understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!\u201d \u201cYes \uff0cbut this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .\u201d \u201c\u5bf9\u4e0d\u8d77\uff0c\u592b\u4eba\uff0c\u4e3a\u60a8\u5b69\u5b50\u62d4\u7259\u6211\u8981\u6536\u53d620\u7f8e\u5143\u3002\u201d \u201c20\u7f8e\u5143\uff01\u4e3a\u4ec0\u4e48\uff1f\u4e0d\u662f\u8bf4\u597d\u53ea\u89814\u7f8e\u5143\u3002\u201d \u201c\u662f\u7684\uff0c\u4f46\u662f\u4f60\u7684\u5b69\u5b50\u5927\u558a\u5927\u53eb\uff0c\u628a\u53e6\u5916\u56db\u4e2a\u75c5\u4eba\u5413\u8dd1\u4e86\u3002\u201d TWO\uff1a Teacher\uff1aWe all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now\uff0ccan anyone give me a good example? John\uff1aWell \uff0cin the summer the days are long\uff0cand in the winter the days are short. \u8001\u5e08\uff1a\u6211\u4eec\u90fd\u77e5\u9053\u70ed\u80c0\u51b7\u7f29\u7684\u9053\u7406\u3002\u73b0\u5728\uff0c\u8c01\u7ed9\u6211\u4e3e\u4e2a\u4f8b\u5b50\uff1f \u7ea6\u7ff0\uff1a\u55ef\uff0c\u5728\u590f\u5929\u5929\u90fd\u957f\uff0c\u5728\u51ac\u5929\u5929\u90fd\u77ed\u3002 The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?" "I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.". \u6559\u8fdb\u5316\u8bba\u7684\u8001\u5e08\u5df2\u7ecf\u6ed4\u6ed4\u4e0d\u7edd\u5730\u8bb2\u4e86\u5feb\u4e24\u4e2a\u5c0f\u65f6\uff0c\u4ed6\u7684\u8bdd\u9898\u53c8\u6765\u4e86\uff1a\u201c\u8ba9\u6211\u5411\u8fdb\u5316\u8bba\u8005\u63d0\u4e2a\u95ee\u9898\u2014\u2014\u5982\u679c\u6211\u4eec\u66fe\u7ecf\u50cf\u72d2\u72d2\u90a3\u6837\u957f\u7740\u5c3e\u5df4\uff0c\u90a3\u4e48\u73b0\u5728\u5c3e\u5df4\u5230\u54ea\u91cc\u53bb\u4e86\uff1f\u201d \u201c\u6211\u6765\u8bd5\u8bd5\u770b\uff0c\u201d\u4e00\u4f4d\u8001\u592a\u592a\u8bf4\u3002 \u201c\u8be5\u662f\u6211\u4eec\u5728\u8fd9\u91cc\u5750\u8fd9\u4e48\u4e45\u628a\u5b83\u4eec\u78e8\u6389\u4e86\u5427\u3002\u201d
A man was going to the house of some rich person. As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road. He said, "I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will give me very nice food to eat." Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust. He went on and came to a river. The river had become very big; so he could not go over it. He waited for some time; then he said, "I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river." He began to go home. He had eaten no food that day. He began to want food. He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them. Do not throw good things away; you may be glad to have them at some other time. \u3010\u8bd1\u6587\u3011 \u4e00\u4e2a\u4eba\u6b63\u671d\u7740\u4e00\u4e2a\u5bcc\u4eba\u7684\u623f\u5b50\u8d70\u53bb\uff0c\u5f53\u4ed6\u6cbf\u7740\u8def\u8d70\u65f6\uff0c\u5728\u8def\u7684\u4e00\u8fb9\u4ed6\u53d1\u73b0\u4e00\u7bb1\u597d\u8d2b\u996e\uff0c\u4ed6\u8bf4\uff1a\u201c\u6211\u4e0d\u8ba1\u5212\u5403\u90a3\u4e9b\u8d2b\u996e\uff0c\u56e0\u4e3a\u5bcc\u4eba\u4f1a\u7ed9\u6211\u66f4\u591a\u7684\u98df\u7269\uff0c\u4ed6\u4f1a\u7ed9\u6211\u7279\u522b\u597d\u5403\u7684\u4e1c\u897f\u3002\u201d\u63a5\u7740\u4ed6\u62ff\u8d77\u8d2b\u996e\uff0c\u4e00\u628a\u6254\u5230\u571f\u91cc\u53bb\u3002 \u4ed6\u7ee7\u7eed\u8d70\uff0c\u6765\u5230\u6cb3\u8fb9\uff0c\u6cb3\u6da8\u6c34\u4e86\uff0c\u56e0\u6b64\uff0c\u4ed6\u5230\u4e0d\u4e86\u6cb3\u5bf9\u5cb8\uff0c\u4ed6\u7b49\u4e86\u4e00\u4f1a\u513f\uff0c\u63a5\u7740\u4ed6\u8bf4\uff1a\u201c\u4eca\u5929\u6211\u53bb\u4e0d\u4e86\u5bcc\u4eba\u5bb6\u4e86\uff0c\u56e0\u4e3a\u6211\u4e0d\u80fd\u5ea6\u8fc7\u6cb3\u3002\u201d \u4ed6\u5f00\u59cb\u56de\u5bb6\uff0c\u90a3\u5929\u4ed6\u6ca1\u6709\u5403\u4e1c\u897f\u3002\u4ed6\u5c31\u5f00\u59cb\u53bb\u627e\u5403\u7684\uff0c\u4ed6\u627e\u5230\u8d2b\u996e\uff0c\u7279\u522b\u5f00\u5fc3\u5730\u628a\u5b83\u4eec\u4ece\u5c18\u571f\u4e2d\u7ffb\u51fa\u6765\u5403\u4e86\u3002 \u4e0d\u8981\u628a\u597d\u4e1c\u897f\u6254\u6389\uff0c\u6362\u4e2a\u65f6\u5019\u4f60\u4f1a\u89c9\u5f97\u5b83\u4eec\u5927\u6709\u6548\u679c\u5904\u3002
\u82f1\u8bed\u5bd3\u8a00\u6545\u4e8b\u5e26\u7ffb\u8bd1
Fox and cock One morning a fox sees a cock.He think,"This is my breakfast.'' He comes up to the cock and says,"I know you can sing very well.Can you sing for me?''The cock is glad.He closes his eyes and begins to sing.The fox sees that and caches him in his mouth and carries him away. The people in the field see the fox.They cry,"Look,look!The fox is carrying the cock away.''The cock says to the fox,"Mr Fox,do you understand?The people say you are carrying their cock away.Tell them it is yours.Not theirs.'' The fox opens his mouth ang says,"The cock is mine,not yours.''Just then the cock runs away from the fox and flies into the tree. \u72d0\u72f8\u548c\u516c\u9e21 \u4e00\u5929\u65e9\u4e0a\uff0c\u4e00\u53ea\u72d0\u72f8\u770b\u5230\u4e86\u4e00\u4f84\u8000\u9e21\u3002\u4ed6\u60f3\uff1a\u8fd9\u662f\u6211\u7684\u65e9\u9910\u3002 \u4ed6\u671d\u516c\u9e21\u8d70\u6765\uff0c\u5bf9\u4ed6\u8bf4\uff1a\u201c\u6211\u77e5\u9053\uff0c\u4f60\u80fd\u5531\u5f97\u5f88\u597d\u542c\uff0c\u4f60\u80fd\u5531\u7ed9\u6211\u542c\u4e48\uff1f\u201d\u516c\u9e21\u7279\u522b\u5f00\u5fc3\u3002\u4ed6\u95ed\u4e0a\u773c\u775b\u5f00\u59cb\u5531\u6b4c\u3002\u72d0\u72f8\u770b\u5230\u8fd9\u4e9b\u6293\u4f4f\u5b83\u653e\u5230\u81ea\u5df1\u7684\u5634\u91cc\u8d70\u4e86\u3002 \u5728\u7530\u5730\u91cc\u7684\u4eba\u4eec\u770b\u5230\u4e86\u72d0\u72f8\u3002\u5927\u558a\u5927\u53eb\uff1a\u201c\u770b\uff0c\u770b\uff01\u72d0\u72f8\u6293\u4f4f\u516c\u9e21\u9003\u8d70\u4e86\u3002\u201d\u516c\u9e21\u5bf9\u72d0\u72f8\u8bf4\uff1a\u201c\u72d0\u72f8\u5148\u751f\uff0c\u4f60\u80fd\u7406\u89e3\u4e48\uff1f\u4eba\u4eec\u8ba4\u4e3a\u4f60\u53fc\u8d70\u4e86\u516c\u9e21\u3002\u544a\u8bc9\u4ed6\u4eec\u8fd9\u662f\u4f60\u7684\uff0c\u4e0d\u662f\u4ed6\u4eec\u7684\u3002\u201d \u72d0\u72f8\u5f20\u5f00\u5979\u7684\u5634\u8bf4\uff1a\u201c\u516c\u9e21\u662f\u6211\u7684\uff0c\u4e0d\u662f\u4f60\u4eec\u7684\u3002\u201d\u5c31\u5728\u90a3\u65f6\uff0c\u3002\u516c\u9e21\u8dd1\u5230\u4e86\u6811\u5e95\u4e0b\u3002
\u82f1\u8bed\u5e7d\u9ed8\u6545\u4e8b\u5e26\u7ffb\u8bd1 \u82f1\u8bed\u54f2\u7406\u6545\u4e8b\u5e26\u7ffb\u8bd1
\u7ed9\u4f60\u4e09\u7bc7,\u4f60\u9009\u4e00\u7bc7\u5427. The Old Cat An old woman had a cat. The cat was very old; she could not run quickly, and she could not bite, because she was so old. One day the old cat saw a mouse; she jumped and caught the mouse. But she could not bite it; so the mouse got out of her mouth and ran away, because the cat could not bite it. Then the old woman became very angry because the cat had not killed the mouse. She began to hit the cat. The cat said, "Do not hit your old servant. I have worked for you for many years, and I would work for you still, but I am too old. Do not be unkind to the old, but remember what good work the old did when they were young." \u3010\u8bd1\u6587\u3011 \u8001\u732b \u4e00\u4f4d\u8001\u5987\u6709\u53ea\u732b\uff0c\u8fd9\u53ea\u732b\u7279\u522b\u8001\uff0c\u5b83\u8dd1\u4e0d\u5feb\u4e86\uff0c\u4e5f\u54ac\u4e0d\u4e86\u4e1c\u897f\uff0c\u56e0\u4e3a\u5b83\u5e74\u7eaa\u592a\u5927\u4e86\u3002\u4e00\u5929\uff0c\u8001\u732b\u53d1\u73b0\u4e00\u53ea\u8001\u9f20\uff0c\u5b83\u8df3\u8fc7\u53bb\u6293\u8fd9\u53ea\u8001\u9f20\uff0c\u7136\u800c\uff0c\u5b83\u54ac\u4e0d\u4f4f\u8fd9\u53ea\u8001\u9f20\u3002\u56e0\u6b64\uff0c\u8001\u9f20\u4ece\u5b83\u7684\u5634\u8fb9\u6e9c\u6389\u4e86\uff0c\u56e0\u4e3a\u8001\u732b\u54ac\u4e0d\u4e86\u5b83\u3002 \u4e8e\u662f\uff0c\u8001\u5987\u7279\u522b\u751f\u6c14\uff0c\u56e0\u4e3a\u8001\u732b\u6ca1\u6709\u628a\u8001\u9f20\u54ac\u6b7b\u3002\u5979\u5f00\u59cb\u6253\u8fd9\u53ea\u732b\uff0c\u732b\u8bf4\uff1a\u201c\u4e0d\u8981\u6253\u4f60\u7684\u8001\u4ec6\u4eba\uff0c\u6211\u5df2\u7ecf\u4e3a\u4f60\u670d\u52a1\u4e86\u7279\u522b\u591a\u5e74\uff0c\u8fd8\u800c\u4e14\u613f\u610f\u4e3a\u4f60\u6548\u52b3\uff0c\u4f46\u662f\uff0c\u6211\u5b9e\u5728\u592a\u8001\u4e86\uff0c\u5bf9\u5e74\u7eaa\u5927\u7684\u4e0d\u8981\u8fd9\u4e48\u65e0\u60c5\uff0c\u8981\u8bb0\u4f4f\u8001\u5e74\u4eba\u5728\u5e74\u9752\u65f6\u6240\u505a\u8fc7\u7684\u6709\u76ca\u7684\u4e8b\u60c5\u3002\u201d A man was going to the house of some rich person. As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road. He said, "I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will give me very nice food to eat." Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust. He went on and came to a river. The river had become very big; so he could not go over it. He waited for some time; then he said, "I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river." He began to go home. He had eaten no food that day. He began to want food. He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them. Do not throw good things away; you may be glad to have them at some other time. \u3010\u8bd1\u6587\u3011 \u4e00\u4e2a\u4eba\u6b63\u671d\u7740\u4e00\u4e2a\u5bcc\u4eba\u7684\u623f\u5b50\u8d70\u53bb\uff0c\u5f53\u4ed6\u6cbf\u7740\u8def\u8d70\u65f6\uff0c\u5728\u8def\u7684\u4e00\u8fb9\u4ed6\u53d1\u73b0\u4e00\u7bb1\u597d\u8d2b\u996e\uff0c\u4ed6\u8bf4\uff1a\u201c\u6211\u4e0d\u8ba1\u5212\u5403\u90a3\u4e9b\u8d2b\u996e\uff0c\u56e0\u4e3a\u5bcc\u4eba\u4f1a\u7ed9\u6211\u66f4\u591a\u7684\u98df\u7269\uff0c\u4ed6\u4f1a\u7ed9\u6211\u7279\u522b\u597d\u5403\u7684\u4e1c\u897f\u3002\u201d\u63a5\u7740\u4ed6\u62ff\u8d77\u8d2b\u996e\uff0c\u4e00\u628a\u6254\u5230\u571f\u91cc\u53bb\u3002 \u4ed6\u7ee7\u7eed\u8d70\uff0c\u6765\u5230\u6cb3\u8fb9\uff0c\u6cb3\u6da8\u6c34\u4e86\uff0c\u56e0\u6b64\uff0c\u4ed6\u5230\u4e0d\u4e86\u6cb3\u5bf9\u5cb8\uff0c\u4ed6\u7b49\u4e86\u4e00\u4f1a\u513f\uff0c\u63a5\u7740\u4ed6\u8bf4\uff1a\u201c\u4eca\u5929\u6211\u53bb\u4e0d\u4e86\u5bcc\u4eba\u5bb6\u4e86\uff0c\u56e0\u4e3a\u6211\u4e0d\u80fd\u5ea6\u8fc7\u6cb3\u3002\u201d \u4ed6\u5f00\u59cb\u56de\u5bb6\uff0c\u90a3\u5929\u4ed6\u6ca1\u6709\u5403\u4e1c\u897f\u3002\u4ed6\u5c31\u5f00\u59cb\u53bb\u627e\u5403\u7684\uff0c\u4ed6\u627e\u5230\u8d2b\u996e\uff0c\u7279\u522b\u5f00\u5fc3\u5730\u628a\u5b83\u4eec\u4ece\u5c18\u571f\u4e2d\u7ffb\u51fa\u6765\u5403\u4e86\u3002 \u4e0d\u8981\u628a\u597d\u4e1c\u897f\u6254\u6389\uff0c\u6362\u4e2a\u65f6\u5019\u4f60\u4f1a\u89c9\u5f97\u5b83\u4eec\u5927\u6709\u6548\u679c\u5904\u3002 The City Mouse and the Country Mouse Once there were two mice. They were friends. One mouse lived in the country; the other mouse lived in the city. After many years the Country mouse saw the City mouse; he said, "Do come and see me at my house in the country." So the City mouse went. The City mouse said, "This food is not good, and your house is not good. Why do you live in a hole in the field? You should come and live in the city. You would live in a nice house made of stone. You would have nice food to eat. You must come and see me at my house in the city." The Country mouse went to the house of the City mouse. It was a very good house. Nice food was set ready for them to eat. But just as they began to eat they heard a great noise. The City mouse cried, " Run! Run! The cat is coming!" They ran away quickly and hid. After some time they came out. When they came out, the Country mouse said, "I do not like living in the city. I like living in my hole in the field. For it is nicer to be poor and happy, than to be rich and afraid." \u3010\u8bd1\u6587\u3011 \u57ce\u91cc\u8001\u9f20\u548c\u4e61\u4e0b\u8001\u9f20 \u4ece\u524d\uff0c\u6709\u4e24\u53ea\u8001\u9f20\uff0c\u5b83\u4eec\u662f\u597d\u597d\u53cb\u3002\u4e00\u53ea\u8001\u9f20\u5c45\u4f4f\u5728\u4e61\u6751\uff0c\u53e6\u4e00\u53ea\u4f4f\u5728\u57ce\u91cc\u3002\u7279\u522b\u591a\u5e74\u4ee5\u540e\uff0c\u4e61\u4e0b\u8001\u9f20\u78b0\u5230\u57ce\u91cc\u8001\u9f20\uff0c\u5b83\u8bf4\uff1a\u201c\u4f60\u4e00\u5b9a\u8981\u6765\u6211\u4e61\u4e0b\u7684\u5bb6\u77a7\u77a7\u3002\u201d\u4e8e\u662f\uff0c\u57ce\u91cc\u8001\u9f20\u5c31\u53bb\u4e86\u3002\u4e61\u4e0b\u8001\u9f20\u9886\u7740\u5b83\u5230\u4e86\u4e00\u5757\u7530\u5730\u4e0a\u5b83\u81ea\u5df1\u7684\u5bb6\u91cc\u3002\u5b83\u628a\u5168\u90e8\u6700\u7cbe\u7f8e\u98df\u7269\u90fd\u627e\u51fa\u6765\u7ed9\u57ce\u91cc\u8001\u9f20\u3002\u57ce\u91cc\u8001\u9f20\u8bf4\uff1a\u201c\u8fd9\u4e1c\u897f\u4e0d\u597d\u5403\uff0c\u4f60\u7684\u5bb6\u4e5f\u4e0d\u597d\uff0c\u4f60\u4e3a\u5565\u4f4f\u5728\u7530\u91ce\u7684\u5730\u6d1e\u91cc\u5462\uff1f\u4f60\u5e94\u8be5\u642c\u5230\u57ce\u91cc\u53bb\u4f4f\uff0c\u4f60\u80fd\u4f4f\u4e0a\u7528\u77f3\u5934\u9020\u7684\u6f02\u4eae\u623f\u5b50\uff0c\u800c\u4e14\u4f1a\u5403\u4e0a\u7f8e\u5473\u4f73\u80b4\uff0c\u4f60\u5e94\u8be5\u5230\u6211\u57ce\u91cc\u7684\u5bb6\u77a7\u77a7\u3002\u201d \u4e61\u4e0b\u8001\u9f20\u5c31\u5230\u57ce\u91cc\u8001\u9f20\u7684\u5bb6\u53bb\u3002\u623f\u5b50\u5341\u5206\u6f02\u4eae\uff0c\u597d\u5403\u7684\u4e1c\u897f\u4e5f\u4e3a\u4ed6\u4eec\u6446\u597d\u4e86\u3002\u53ef\u662f\u6b63\u5f53\u4ed6\u4eec\u8981\u5f00\u59cb\u5403\u7684\u65f6\u5019\uff0c\u542c\u89c1\u7279\u522b\u5927\u7684\u4e00\u9635\u54cd\u58f0\uff0c\u57ce\u91cc\u7684\u8001\u9f20\u53eb\u558a\u8d77\u6765\uff1a\u201c\u5feb\u8dd1\uff01\u5feb\u8dd1\uff01\u732b\u6765\u4e86\uff01\u201d\u4ed6\u4eec\u98de\u5feb\u5730\u8dd1\u5f00\u8eb2\u85cf\u8d77\u6765\u3002 \u8fc7\u4e86\u4e00\u4f1a\u513f\uff0c\u4ed6\u4eec\u51fa\u6765\u4e86\u3002\u5f53\u4ed6\u4eec\u51fa\u6765\u65f6\uff0c\u4e61\u4e0b\u8001\u9f20\u8bf4\uff1a\u201c\u6211\u4e0d\u559c\u6b22\u4f4f\u5728\u57ce\u91cc\uff0c\u6211\u559c\u6b22\u4f4f\u5728\u7530\u91ce\u6211\u7684\u6d1e\u91cc\u3002\u56e0\u4e3a\u8fd9\u6837\u867d\u7136\u8d2b\u7a77\u4f46\u662f\u5feb\u4e50\u81ea\u5728\uff0c\u6bd4\u8d77\u867d\u7136\u5bcc\u6709\u5374\u8981\u8fc7\u7740\u63d0\u5fc3\u540a\u80c6\u7684\u751f\u6d3b\u6765\u8bf4\uff0c\u8981\u597d\u4e9b\u3002\u201d
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"
"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"
可是老师哭了
六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。
约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？”
“哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”
2. I Wasn't Asleep
When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.
"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."
"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."
我没有睡着
当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！”
“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。
“没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？”
“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”
3.Where is the father?
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
父亲在哪儿？
兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。
“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”
“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”
哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”
4.The doctor lives downstairs
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
医生住在楼下
“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。
“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”
他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”
5.Which woman?
One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the
most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"
哪一位女人？
一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，
回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”
我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”
6. Advice for "Kid"
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."
忠告“年轻者”
这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，
千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”
7.The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝啬鬼请客
一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。
8.Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不识字
布朗夫人：哦，
亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！
史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！
布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”
9.Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它们是从美国直接带来的
一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。
这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”
10. He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一个大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。
-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
1.The Thirsty Pigeon口渴的鸽子
A PIGEON, oppressed by excessive thirst, saw a goblet of water painted on a signboard. Not supposing it to be only a picture, she flew towards it with a loud whir and unwittingly dashed against the signboard, jarring herself terribly. Having broken her wings by the blow, she fell to the ground, and was caught by one of the bystanders.
Zeal should not outrun discretion.
有只鸽子口渴得很难受，看见画板上画着一个水瓶，以为是真的。他立刻呼呼地猛飞过 去，不料一头碰撞在画板上，折断了翅膀，摔在地上，被人轻易地捉住了。
这是说，有些人想急于得到所需的东西，一时冲动，草率从事，就会身遭不幸。
2.The Goat and the Goatherd 山羊与牧羊人
A GOATHERD had sought to bring back a stray goat to his flock. He whistled and sounded his horn in vain; the straggler paid no attention to the summons. At last the Goatherd threw a stone, and breaking its horn, begged the Goat not to tell his master. The Goat replied, "Why, you silly fellow, the horn will speak though I be silent."
Do not attempt to hide things which cannot be hid.
很多山羊被牧羊人赶到羊圈里。有一只山羊不知在吃什么好东西，单独落在后面。牧羊 人拿起一块石头扔了过去，正巧打断了山羊的一只角。牧羊人吓得请求山羊不要告诉主人， 山羊说：“即使我不说，又怎能隐瞒下去呢？我的角已断了，这是十分明显的事实。”
这故事说明，明显的罪状是无法隐瞒的。
3.The Ass and the Grasshopper 驴子与蚱蜢
AN ASS having heard some Grasshoppers chirping, was highly enchanted; and, desiring to possess the same charms of melody, demanded what sort of food they lived on to give them such beautiful voices. They replied, "The dew." The Ass resolved that he would live only upon dew, and in a short time died of hunger.
驴子听见蚱蜢唱歌，被美妙动听的歌声所打动，自己也想能发出同样悦耳动听的声音，便 羡慕地问他们吃些什么，才能发出如此美妙的声音来。蚱蜢答道：“吃露水。”驴子便也只吃露水，没多久就饿死了。
这个故事告诉人们不要企望非份之物。
4.The Lion and the Mouse 狮子与报恩的老鼠
A LION was awakened from sleep by a Mouse running over his face. Rising up angrily, he caught him and was about to kill him, when the Mouse piteously entreated, saying: "If you would only spare my life, I would be sure to repay your kindness." The Lion laughed and let him go. It happened shortly after this that the Lion was caught by some hunters, who bound him by strong ropes to the ground. The Mouse, recognizing his roar, came and gnawed the rope with his teeth and set him free, exclaiming:
"You ridiculed the idea of my ever being able to help you, expecting to receive from me any repayment of your favor; now you know that it is possible for even a Mouse to con benefits on a Lion."
狮子睡着了，有只老鼠跳到了他身上。狮子猛然站起来，把他抓住，准备吃掉。老鼠请求饶命，并说如果保住性命，必将报恩，狮子轻蔑地笑了笑，便把他放走了。不久，狮子真的被老鼠救了性命。原来狮子被一个猎人抓获，并用绳索把他捆在一棵树上。老鼠听到了他 的哀嚎，走过去咬断绳索，放走了狮子，并说：
“你当时嘲笑我，不相信能得到我的报答， 现在可清楚了，老鼠也能报恩。” 这故事说明，时运交替变更，强者也会有需要弱者的时候。
英语笑话
Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
英语故事
Little Red Riding Hood
Once upon a time there was a dear little girl who was loved by everyone who looked at her, but most of all by her grandmother, and there was nothing that she would not have given to the child. Once she gave her a little riding hood of red velvet, which suited her so well that she would never wear anything else; so she was always called 'Little Red Riding Hood.'
One day her mother said to her: 'Come, Little Red Riding Hood, here is a piece of cake and a bottle of wine; take them to your grandmother, she is ill and weak, and they will do her good. Set out before it gets hot, and when you are going, walk nicely and quietly and do not run off the path, or you may fall and break the bottle, and then your grandmother will get nothing; and when you go into her room, don't forget to say, "Good morning", and don't peep into every corner before you do it.'
'I will take great care,' said Little Red Riding Hood to her mother, and gave her hand on it.
The grandmother lived out in the wood, half a league from the village, and just as Little Red Riding Hood entered the wood, a wolf met her. Red Riding Hood did not know what a wicked creature he was, and was not at all afraid of him.
'Good day, Little Red Riding Hood,' said he.
'Thank you kindly, wolf.'
'Whither away so early, Little Red Riding Hood?'
'To my grandmother's.'
'What have you got in your apron?'
'Cake and wine; yesterday was baking-day, so poor sick grandmother is to have something good, to make her stronger.'
'Where does your grandmother live, Little Red Riding Hood?'
'A good quarter of a league farther on in the wood; her house stands under the three large oak-trees, the nut-trees are just below; you surely must know it,' replied Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf thought to himself: 'What a tender young creature! what a nice plump mouthful - she will be better to eat than the old woman. I must act craftily, so as to catch both.'
So he walked for a short time by the side of Little Red Riding Hood, and then he said: 'See, Little Red Riding Hood, how pretty the flowers are about here - why do you not look round? I believe, too, that you do not hear how sweetly the little birds are singing; you walk gravely along as if you were going to school, while everything else out here in the wood is merry.'
< 2 >
Little Red Riding Hood raised her eyes, and when she saw the sunbeams dancing here and there through the trees, and pretty flowers growing everywhere, she thought: 'Suppose I take grandmother a fresh nosegay; that would please her too. It is so early in the day that I shall still get there in good time.'
So she ran from the path into the wood to look for flowers. And whenever she had picked one, she fancied that she saw a still prettier one farther on, and ran after it, and so got deeper and deeper into the wood.
Meanwhile the wolf ran straight to the grandmother's house and knocked at the door.
'Who is there?'
'Little Red Riding Hood,' replied the wolf. 'She is bringing cake and wine; open the door.'
'Lift the latch,' called out the grandmother, 'I am too weak, and cannot get up.'
The wolf lifted the latch, the door sprang open, and without saying a word he went straight to the grandmother's bed, and devoured her. Then he put on her clothes, dressed himself in her cap, laid himself in bed and drew the curtains.
Little Red Riding Hood, however, had been running about picking flowers, and when she had gathered so many that she could carry no more, she remembered her grandmother, and set out on the way to her.
She was surprised to find the cottage-door standing open, and when she went into the room, she had such a strange feeling that she said to herself: 'Oh dear! how uneasy I feel today, and at other times I like being with grandmother so much.' She called out: 'Good morning,' but received no answer; so she went to the bed and drew back the curtains. There lay her grandmother with her cap pulled far over her face, and looking very strange.
'Oh! grandmother,' she said, 'what big ears you have!'
'All the better to hear you with, my child,' was the reply.
'But, grandmother, what big eyes you have!' she said.
'All the better to see you with, my dear.'
'But, grandmother, what large hands you have!'
'All the better to hug you with.'
'Oh! but, grandmother, what a terrible big mouth you have!'
'All the better to eat you with!'
And scarcely had the wolf said this, than with one bound he was out of bed and swallowed up Red Riding Hood.
< 3 >
When the wolf had appeased his appetite, he lay down again in the bed, fell asleep and began to snore very loud.
The huntsman was just passing the house, and thought to himself: 'How the old woman is snoring! I must just see if she wants anything.' So he went into the room, and when he came to the bed, he saw that the wolf was lying in it.
'Do I find you here, you old sinner!' said he. 'I have long sought you!' But just as he was going to fire at him, it occurred to him that the wolf might have devoured the grandmother, and that she might still be saved, so he did not fire, but took a pair of scissors, and began to cut open the stomach of the sleeping wolf.
When he had made two snips, he saw the little red riding hood shining, and then he made two snips more, and the little girl sprang out, crying: 'Ah, how frightened I have been! How dark it was inside the wolf.'
After that the aged grandmother came out alive also, but scarcely able to breathe. Red Riding Hood, however, quickly fetched great stones with which they filled the wolf's belly, and when he awoke, he wanted to run away, but the stones were so heavy that he collapsed at once, and fell dead.
Then all three were delighted. The huntsman drew off the wolf's skin and went home with it; the grandmother ate the cake and drank the wine which Red Riding Hood had brought, and revived. But Red Riding Hood thought to herself: 'As long as I live, I will never leave the path by myself to run into the wood, when my mother has forbidden me to do so.'
It is also related that once, when Red Riding Hood was again taking cakes to the old grandmother, another wolf spoke to her, and tried to entice her from the path. Red Riding Hood, however, was on her guard, and went straight forward on her way, and told her grandmother that she had met the wolf, and that he had said 'good morning' to her, but with such a wicked look in his eyes, that if they had not been on the public road she was certain he would have eaten her up.
< 4 >
'Well,' said the grandmother, 'we will shut the door, so that he can not come in.'
Soon afterwards the wolf knocked, and cried: 'Open the door, grandmother, I am Little Red Riding Hood, and am bringing you some cakes.'
But they did not speak, or open the door, so the grey-beard stole twice or thrice round the house, and at last jumped on the roof, intending to wait until Red Riding Hood went home in the evening, and then to steal after her and devour her in the darkness. But the grandmother saw what was in his thoughts.
In front of the house was a great stone trough, so she said to the child: 'Take the pail, Red Riding Hood; I made some sausages yesterday, so carry the water in which I boiled them to the trough.'
Red Riding Hood carried until the great trough was quite full. Then the smell of the sausages reached the wolf, and he sniffed and peeped down, and at last stretched out his neck so far that he could no longer keep his footing and began to slip, and slipped down from the roof straight into the great trough, and was drowned. But Red Riding Hood went joyously home, and no one ever did anything to harm her again.
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"
"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"
可是老师哭了
六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。
约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？”
“哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”
2. I Wasn't Asleep
When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.
"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."
"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."
我没有睡着
当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！”
“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。
“没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？”
“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”
3.Where is the father?
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
父亲在哪儿？
兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。
“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”
“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”
哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”
4.The doctor lives downstairs
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
医生住在楼下
“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。
“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”
他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”
5.Which woman?
One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the
most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"
哪一位女人？
一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，
回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”
我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”
6. Advice for "Kid"
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."
忠告“年轻者”
这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，
千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”
7.The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝啬鬼请客
一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。
8.Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不识字
布朗夫人：哦，
亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！
史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！
布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”
9.Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它们是从美国直接带来的
一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。
这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”
10. He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一个大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。
-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
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